Outside My Window: is a big tall palm tree and an ocean full of waves :)
I am thinking about: how good a non-hotel bed will feel tomorrow night! how blessed i am that barry is mine! that a shower would probably make my headache go away. what the lyrics to the music i'm listening to mean. that i need to pack up my stuff to head to nashville:)
I am thankful for: life! lessons learned.... laughter... ocean beauty.... food ;).... the knowledge that everything works out for good for those who love the Lord
From the kitchen: there are a bunch of noises of my mom juicing, cleaning, and doing her thing in there... also a bunch of random food we've collected over vacation
I am wearing: my favorite gym crops and a t-shirt
I am creating: working on writings, photos, etc... my usual artsy fartsy stuff ;)
I am going to: do something nice for myself tonight...hoping it'll make me feel better
I am reading: the Bible and mere christianity
I am hoping: that the drive tomorrow will go super fast...
I am hearing: music through one ear with an earpiece in it and the noises of my family watching tv through the other ear
Around the house: it's very quiet back at home (hopefully ;).... here in the hotel room it's very messy! lol!
One of my favorite things is: seeing someone's face light up when they're super excited to see me and then hugging me tightly :)
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: work on a few wedding details with my sweetheart, be used by God, love my future husband :)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
tore our dresses, stained our shirts...
*The following post was written earlier this year. I remember this night vividly. I felt as though I was collapsing into myself... and didn't know how to get back out. God was dishing out a tribulation I had no idea how to handle and it was becoming bigger and harder as time went on. I was overwhelmed. The only way I was able to get it out, was taking a pen to paper...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hands won't stop shaking, my nerves are irritated, my tear ducts are numb but have a longing to fill up and spill over. My mind won't stop pacing... back and forth it ponders one thought or another. It won't be still - it just keeps pacing until it's worn a groove in the mush of my thoughts. More and more thoughts fall into the ditch, keeping the pacing going.
A 100 desires. A 1000 faults. A 1,000,000 questions.
Not a bit of clarity. 0 answers. Plenty of 2nd guesses. Lack of faith. Hurt feelings. Lost moments. Altered emotions. Expectations. Insecurity. Regretted actions. Built up resentment. Unaware of certain roots. Unfulfilled longings.
What happens when half of your desires conflict with the other half? What are you supposed to do with that? How are you to balance it? Or is it more like sifting through them and finding which ones are the most important? Why are some of them even in existence? I wrestle having certain desires - I desire something, but I don't want to desire it, but I do - but it gets in the way of something I want even more.
I’ve yet to find the solution to this.
Self discovery (and not the corny nonsense "I'm going to find myself by leaving everything I know") - in the sense that God decides to widen your eyes by showing you your many gifts, various flaws - how you hurt people and what kind of love you give. He points out how He created you different from everyone else and enlightens you to just how similar people are. That sort of self discovery is some of the most difficult, wonderful, terrifying, painful, beauteous stuff to go through.
It affects every atom of your being - your thoughts, your actions, your conversations. It affects those around you and often in unpleasant ways. You want it to stop, but curiosity and knowing it'll help you see things from His perspective more clearly, won't let you slam on the brakes.
Therefore the pacing will continue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hands won't stop shaking, my nerves are irritated, my tear ducts are numb but have a longing to fill up and spill over. My mind won't stop pacing... back and forth it ponders one thought or another. It won't be still - it just keeps pacing until it's worn a groove in the mush of my thoughts. More and more thoughts fall into the ditch, keeping the pacing going.
A 100 desires. A 1000 faults. A 1,000,000 questions.
Not a bit of clarity. 0 answers. Plenty of 2nd guesses. Lack of faith. Hurt feelings. Lost moments. Altered emotions. Expectations. Insecurity. Regretted actions. Built up resentment. Unaware of certain roots. Unfulfilled longings.
What happens when half of your desires conflict with the other half? What are you supposed to do with that? How are you to balance it? Or is it more like sifting through them and finding which ones are the most important? Why are some of them even in existence? I wrestle having certain desires - I desire something, but I don't want to desire it, but I do - but it gets in the way of something I want even more.
I’ve yet to find the solution to this.
Self discovery (and not the corny nonsense "I'm going to find myself by leaving everything I know") - in the sense that God decides to widen your eyes by showing you your many gifts, various flaws - how you hurt people and what kind of love you give. He points out how He created you different from everyone else and enlightens you to just how similar people are. That sort of self discovery is some of the most difficult, wonderful, terrifying, painful, beauteous stuff to go through.
It affects every atom of your being - your thoughts, your actions, your conversations. It affects those around you and often in unpleasant ways. You want it to stop, but curiosity and knowing it'll help you see things from His perspective more clearly, won't let you slam on the brakes.
Therefore the pacing will continue.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
it's time
It's been a while since I've published anything I've written. I used to be really open through my writings... allowing my flaws and thoughts to be open to complete strangers. I don't know where I lost this openness... but I did. I buried it somewhere along the road I've walked the past couple years.
The past few years of my life have been chock full of ups and downs. I've been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone and hope to God I never have to experience again - because looking back I don't know how I got through them the way that I did! I can only praise God, because I know He used them for His glory (in His high and mighty ways I can't understand ;). He's also given me some of the biggest blessings and my most cherished relationships in this time as well... and those are things I would go through the pain all over again for.
For a while I used writing to express how I felt throughout the different paths I came across while walking life's road, but at one point I couldn't find the words to describe what was happening and so I just stopped.
God's been giving me the words over the past several months... and I've been writing them down. Some things were to hard to share publicly while I was going through them, but God is telling me to put them out there now. I don't know why... I'm sure it means He is going to use them for something... I hope I get to find out (because you know, sometimes He doesn't let us know and all)!
Either way - I'm excited! Some of them will be awfully hard to type in, but I know it'll be worth it if God is leading me to do it!
Hope you're all enjoying the fall weather! I'm in Florida... so I'm not getting to fall in love with my Indiana Autumn quite yet! But I'm super excited to, when I get back home! :)
The past few years of my life have been chock full of ups and downs. I've been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone and hope to God I never have to experience again - because looking back I don't know how I got through them the way that I did! I can only praise God, because I know He used them for His glory (in His high and mighty ways I can't understand ;). He's also given me some of the biggest blessings and my most cherished relationships in this time as well... and those are things I would go through the pain all over again for.
For a while I used writing to express how I felt throughout the different paths I came across while walking life's road, but at one point I couldn't find the words to describe what was happening and so I just stopped.
God's been giving me the words over the past several months... and I've been writing them down. Some things were to hard to share publicly while I was going through them, but God is telling me to put them out there now. I don't know why... I'm sure it means He is going to use them for something... I hope I get to find out (because you know, sometimes He doesn't let us know and all)!
Either way - I'm excited! Some of them will be awfully hard to type in, but I know it'll be worth it if God is leading me to do it!
Hope you're all enjoying the fall weather! I'm in Florida... so I'm not getting to fall in love with my Indiana Autumn quite yet! But I'm super excited to, when I get back home! :)
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