Ready

I'm so ready to get married.

I'm not going to say an 11 month engagement was a bad idea or the wrong thing to do - because I don't believe it was, it's been great for many reasons - but the bottom line is I'm ready to be married.

The anticipation is killing me...
I feel like I'm being pushed ahead and yet pulled back right now... caught in between two different lives. I've left the life of being single, living at home, just hanging out and doing my own thing. Yet, I haven't reached the life that's about to be mine, a life of being married, sharing a home with the love of my life and living life with him.
I'm somewhere in between... just chilling.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't stand for my life for the next two months to just be planning a wedding and going to and from work. I feel like I should be doing something else. But all I want to do is be married and be able to see Barry every day.

I feel like if I get real involved with anything over these two months it will be pointless because I'm moving 300 miles away....
So I continue to be stuck in between my two different lives ...
Just working and wedding planning and wishing I wasn't stuck.

I guess I should start praying harder about what God wants me to do these two months... because if anyone knows - it's Him :)

chilling in florida

Outside My Window: is a big tall palm tree and an ocean full of waves :)

I am thinking about: how good a non-hotel bed will feel tomorrow night! how blessed i am that barry is mine! that a shower would probably make my headache go away. what the lyrics to the music i'm listening to mean. that i need to pack up my stuff to head to nashville:)

I am thankful for: life! lessons learned.... laughter... ocean beauty.... food ;).... the knowledge that everything works out for good for those who love the Lord

From the kitchen: there are a bunch of noises of my mom juicing, cleaning, and doing her thing in there... also a bunch of random food we've collected over vacation

I am wearing: my favorite gym crops and a t-shirt

I am creating: working on writings, photos, etc... my usual artsy fartsy stuff ;)

I am going to: do something nice for myself tonight...hoping it'll make me feel better

I am reading: the Bible and mere christianity

I am hoping: that the drive tomorrow will go super fast...

I am hearing: music through one ear with an earpiece in it and the noises of my family watching tv through the other ear

Around the house: it's very quiet back at home (hopefully ;).... here in the hotel room it's very messy! lol!

One of my favorite things is: seeing someone's face light up when they're super excited to see me and then hugging me tightly :)

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: work on a few wedding details with my sweetheart, be used by God, love my future husband :)

tore our dresses, stained our shirts...

*The following post was written earlier this year. I remember this night vividly. I felt as though I was collapsing into myself... and didn't know how to get back out. God was dishing out a tribulation I had no idea how to handle and it was becoming bigger and harder as time went on. I was overwhelmed. The only way I was able to get it out, was taking a pen to paper...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My hands won't stop shaking, my nerves are irritated, my tear ducts are numb but have a longing to fill up and spill over. My mind won't stop pacing... back and forth it ponders one thought or another. It won't be still - it just keeps pacing until it's worn a groove in the mush of my thoughts. More and more thoughts fall into the ditch, keeping the pacing going.

A 100 desires. A 1000 faults. A 1,000,000 questions.
Not a bit of clarity. 0 answers. Plenty of 2nd guesses. Lack of faith. Hurt feelings. Lost moments. Altered emotions. Expectations. Insecurity. Regretted actions. Built up resentment. Unaware of certain roots. Unfulfilled longings.

What happens when half of your desires conflict with the other half? What are you supposed to do with that? How are you to balance it? Or is it more like sifting through them and finding which ones are the most important? Why are some of them even in existence? I wrestle having certain desires - I desire something, but I don't want to desire it, but I do - but it gets in the way of something I want even more.
I’ve yet to find the solution to this.

Self discovery (and not the corny nonsense "I'm going to find myself by leaving everything I know") - in the sense that God decides to widen your eyes by showing you your many gifts, various flaws - how you hurt people and what kind of love you give. He points out how He created you different from everyone else and enlightens you to just how similar people are. That sort of self discovery is some of the most difficult, wonderful, terrifying, painful, beauteous stuff to go through.
It affects every atom of your being - your thoughts, your actions, your conversations. It affects those around you and often in unpleasant ways. You want it to stop, but curiosity and knowing it'll help you see things from His perspective more clearly, won't let you slam on the brakes.

Therefore the pacing will continue.